


Ganondorf&!

by rynling



Category: Super Smash Brothers
Genre: Bowser Does His Best, Fluff and Crack, Gay Parents, Human Bowser, Illustrated, M/M, Shitty Dad Ganondorf, Yotsuba&! AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-19
Updated: 2015-07-23
Packaged: 2018-04-10 01:50:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 6,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4372526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rynling/pseuds/rynling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ganondorf translates Ancient Hylian, and Bowser runs a neighborhood flower shop. They're in love, and everyone knows it except them. This story is about two gay dads and their two garbage sons, as well as their shitty friend from college and the three girls who live next door.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Ganondorf & Deadlines

**Author's Note:**

> Ganondorf and Bowser as imagined by [Sara Goetter](http://sgoetter.com/), who is [on Tumblr](http://smgoetter.tumblr.com/) and draws [awesome fantasy comics](http://smgoetter.tumblr.com/post/138995738670/lady-tilda-and-the-dragon-or-mom-knight-which) about monster families.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wrote some Ganondorf/Bowser fluff fic set in a Yotsuba&! AU. What have I done? _What have I done._

"Our deadline is in two days, Dragmire."

"Then you shouldn't be wasting my time with pointless calls."

"Just tell me you've made progress on the manuscript."

Ganondorf sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose.

"I'll have it in to you by tomorrow."

"It was supposed to be in my inbox yesterday."

"It's not my fault you've got me translating Hylian garbage."

"Allow me remind you that this 'garbage' is slated to be published in the next issue of _The Great Sea Monthly_. Assuming you can get it in on time."

Ganondorf exhaled and swiped his thumb across the screen of his phone to end the call. When he looked up, Link was standing in the doorway of his study.

"Dad, who was that?"

"That was my editor."

"Was he being mean to you?"

"It's his job to be mean to me." Ganondorf set his phone on his desk using more force than was strictly necessary.

"He shouldn't be mean to you. You know what I would do if I saw his stupid face?"

"What – "

Suddenly Link dashed across the room. Yelling _Sheikah Chop!!!_ he smacked the side of his hand into Ganondorf's shin.

Ganondorf doubled over in pain. "Din, kid, that hurt!"

Grimacing, he growled, "What did I tell you? We. Do not. Hit!"

Link sensed that he had crossed a line. He looked as if he were about to cry.

The sound of the front door slamming came from downstairs, followed by a booming voice.

"HEY GANONDORK, YOU HOME?"

Link broke into a smile. "Bowser!" he shouted, dashing out of the room and down the stairs.

Ganondorf followed behind him. As he limped down the staircase, he watched Bowser bend down, scoop up Link, and toss him into the air. Link whooped as Bowser caught him and tucked him under his arm, ruffling the boy's hair. Link laughed and kicked his legs into Bowser's side, but the huge man didn't seem to mind in the least.

"So that's where he gets it from," Ganondorf muttered darkly.

"Didn't catch that."

"Nevermind. Is there a reason you let yourself in?"

"I'm on my way to pick up Junior from daycare. Wanna come with?"

"I can't. I'm on a deadline."

"Your editor giving you shit again? You know what I'd do to that guy?"

"What – "

"PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE."

Bowser and Link broke into peals of laughter. Ganondorf watched them with a blank expression. "Why don't you take Link with you," he said flatly.

"All right!" Link pushed himself away from Bowser and flung the front door open, running outside without stopping to put on his shoes.

"You'd better go catch him."

"Aw, he'll be fine. You sure you don't want to get out of the house?"

"I'll walk with you tomorrow. If I finish on time."

"Don't stay up too late. You need your sleep, old man."

"You're one to talk, lizard skin," Ganondorf grinned.

Bowser gasped in mock surprise. "Do my eyes deceive me? Was that a smile?"

"Bowz, hurry up! And tell Dad to throw me my shoes!"

Ganondorf already had Link's sandals dangling from his fingers. "Have fun," he said.

"Text me if you need anything from the store, yeah?"

Link appeared on the other side of the door. "Come on already!"

Bowser swatted at him playfully. "Hold your Yoshi, kid, I'm coming," he said, closing the door behind him.

Ganondorf stood in the foyer, listening as their voices traveled down the street. He rubbed his beard, a faraway look in his eyes. If only his own relationship with Link could be so easy.


	2. Ganondorf & Daycare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh crap I wrote more. What is wrong with me, what am I doing with my life.

"Sir, you can't come in here."

"What are you talking about? 

"We don't allow solicitors inside the premises."

"Lady, I don't want any trouble. I'm just picking up my kid." 

"Sir, if you'll just wait outside..."

Bowser looked as if he were about to blow up at the young woman. Ganondorf put a hand on his shoulder and stepped forward.

"I'm sorry, you must have just started working here. You'll have to excuse my friend's demeanor; he can be a bit rough around the edges. This is Bowser Junior's father." 

"Yes, I see the resemblance," she said coldly. "Junior is in time out right now. I'll go fetch him."

"That won't be necessary," a graceful voice drifted toward them. 

"Palutena! You didn't tell me you started accepting older kids." Bowser snarled at the new assistant, and she glared back at him.

"Bowser, please," Ganondorf muttered. 

Palutena simply smiled. Junior walked between her and Link. He wouldn't meet Bowser's eyes. Instead of going to him, he slunk over to Ganondorf, who picked him up. Junior pressed his cheek against Ganondorf's chest, his head still turned away from his father. He had obviously been crying. 

Bowser watched this tableau play out with concern. "Aw, hell," he said to Palutena. "What's he done this time?" 

"One of the other children was teasing him, so he clawed at his face and bit him."

"GOOD FOR YOU, SON," Bowser guffawed. Junior turned to him and smiled shyly, and Link laughed as well. 

"Was it Ness again?" Ganondorf asked. He hated that kid as much as Junior did. 

"I realize some of the other children can be intense," Palutena said gently, "but Junior needs to learn that there are appropriate behaviors for such situations."

Link looked up at Junior. "I'll beat him up for you next time," he promised. Bowser winked at him. 

Junior squirmed in Ganondorf's arms, so he set him down next to Link. The two ran outside. 

"Mr. Dragmire, a word."

"Yes?" 

"Link told me he doesn't have a mother. Did you teach him to say that?"

"Excuse me?" 

"No, the kid's right," Bowser interjected. "Gan picked him up somewhere overseas."

A car horn blared outside, followed by Link and Junior's laughter. 

"We'd better go," Ganondorf said. 

"I'll see you two tomorrow!" Palutena smiled as she waved goodbye to them. 

"That woman's an angel," Bowser remarked as they walked. 

"She'd have to be an angel to take care of your kid."

"Hey! I'm a respectable business owner these days."

"You don't look like one," Ganondorf said, poking at the elaborate tattoo emerging from Bowser's shirtsleeve. 

"Just because I don't wear flip-flops and sweatpants in the street doesn't mean I'm not cool, grandpa."

"Hey Dad!" Junior called out. "Come look how far Link climbed up the wire tree!"

Ganondorf blanched. "Why does he do these things?"

"Look, I'll tell you what," Bowser said. "If your kid beats up that Ness brat, I'll buy him his weight in chu jelly pudding."

Ganondorf grinned. "I'll pitch in half." 

"That's the spirit!" Bowser slapped him on the back and then jogged off to wrestle Link down from the handholds of the utility pole. Junior jumped onto his arm and tried to hold him back, laughing. 

Ganondorf watched them and wondered if he should put Link in daycare with Junior. Junior would obviously be happier if he spent the day at home with Link, but Ganondorf didn't know how to bring up the topic with Bowser. The most obvious things are always the most awkward, he mused.


	3. Ganondorf & Summer Vacation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no there is more fic in the trash pile. Someone please call the manager, my garbage disposal seems to be broken.

"Hey girl, I love your hair. That is some bubblegum princess realness."

Bowser leaned over the fence separating Ganondorf's yard from the house next door. Without looking up from her phone, Peach raised her hand for a fistbump. Bowser tapped her knuckles and shot a glance at her screen.

"Are you picking out a filter?" 

"Here, get in the picture with me. I want a high-angle shot."

Bowser took the phone and raised it above their heads as Peach pressed her face against his. They made the requisite duck lips as the shutter clicked. 

"Okay, great," Peach said, tapping at her screen. "This is going straight on Instagram. Hashtag 'vintage nerd.'" 

"How about hashtag 'annoying hipster girl'?"

"I'm sorry, did you just crawl out of the nineties, or is Jurassic Park open again?"

"Respect your elders or I will cut you." 

Ganondorf opened his front door and stepped out. The evening air was hot and muggy. "Bowser, can you please go one day without threatening my neighbors?"

Peach smiled at him. "Hi Mr. Dragmire! Link is over at our house helping us get ready."

Ganondorf scanned his eyes over Peach's dress and heels. "Are you girls going out? Isn't it a school night?"

Peach stared at him and burst out laughing. "The semester just ended. We're celebrating. Do you want to come with us?"

"I think I'll pass."

"I'll go with you," Bowser offered. 

"Yeah, you're not invited." 

Zelda emerged from Peach's house, holding Link's hand. Samus followed after her, pausing to lock the door behind them. 

"Hi Bowser," Zelda said, lifting Link over the fence and passing him to Ganondorf. "Is Junior with you?"

"He's back in the house having a snack. What are you girls doing this summer?"

"I'm working in the library as a research assistant," Zelda answered.

"I just got my rock climbing instructor certification," Peach said. 

Samus walked over to join them. "I signed a contract as a booth babe." 

"What?" Ganondorf and Bowser asked at the same time. 

"I wear a bright blue faux leather body suit and hand out flyers."

"That can't be a real thing," Ganondorf grimaced.

"Everything in life is a simulacrum," Samus calmly assured him. 

Zelda and Peach hugged Samus from both sides. 

"Samus is such a space cadet," Peach said.

"That's why we love her," Zelda added. 

"Look, Dad," Link interrupted, "Zelda did my nails." He held his hands up to show off his sparkly green polish.

"Why does he sit still for you?" Ganondorf asked, his eyebrows furrowed. 

"Link is such a cutie pie," Zelda said, and the boy beamed at her.

Ganondorf set Link down so that he could join Junior inside. He watched his neighbors walk away towards the train station. Bowser was fiddling with his phone. 

"Did you get a text from Ghirahim?" Ganondorf asked him. 

"He says he's going to be another hour. Something about getting a drink with his boss."

"That guy is worthless." 

"He really is," Bowser agreed. "It's a good thing I brought groceries instead of waiting for him to show up with takeout." He picked up the canvas bag sitting beside him. Ganondorf held the front door open and followed him into the kitchen. Bowser rummaged inside the refrigerator and took out two bottles of beer. Footsteps pounded overhead. 

"It sounds like they're having fun," he said, sitting down at the table. 

"I'll drink to that." 

They clinked the necks of their bottles together. 

"Hey Gan," Bowser said, flipping the bottle cap between his claws. "Do you ever miss being in college?" He frowned and then continued. "Do you think we had more fun when we used to stay up all night drinking and plotting world domination?"

There was a loud crashing sound overhead, followed by more stomping feet and a barrage of war cries.

"No," Ganondorf responded, completely deadpan. "Young people are stupid."

There was a moment of silence before Bowser snorted and they both started laughing.


	4. Ganondorf & Groceries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cannot stop it with this crazy crack pairing. Is there a hotline I can call? I think I might have a problem.

"Dad, can you buy me a new toy?"

"Kid, you have enough toys already. You're becoming a hoarder."

Link pulled on Ganondorf's hand, tugging him towards a home electronics store.

"I want one of those!" he yelled, pointing.

"A leaf blower isn't a toy. What would you even do with it?"

"Where are we going?"

"I'm going to the grocery store. You're not going anywhere."

"Why can't I come too?"

"After last time, I think they've put up a wanted poster with your picture on it."

Ganondorf walked with Link down the pedestrian shopping arcade that ran through the middle of town. People who recognized him waved, and he nodded back to them. Link was completely oblivious.

They came to a stop in front of a flower shop with a colorful sidewalk display. A pair of piranha plants were twined on a trellis next to the door, lazily snapping at each other. Link started to poke one of them, but Ganondorf frowned at him, and he smiled sheepishly.

"GANON! GOOD TO SEE YOU!" Bowser shouted, throwing the door open. He made a wide gesture, inviting them in. A bed of white Nipper Plants chirped as they entered.

"Hold on, give me just one second." Bowser bent over the store counter and made a few adjustments to the bouquet of fire flowers in front of him. Ganondorf noted that his apron was singed black in a few places.

"What are you reading?" Link asked. Junior was sitting by the door next to a pen of seedling Pokey cacti with a glossy book spread out in front of him.

"It's a guide for Minecraft. I'm studying how to build castles with Dad."

"Cool. Let me see!" Link dropped Ganondorf's hand and squatted next to Junior, who scooted over to make room.

Ganondorf watched them for a few moments and then turned his attention to Bowser. "I hate to do this, but can you watch Link for half an hour? I need to drop by the grocery store."

"Sure thing! Did Ghirahim raid your fridge after work last night?"

"No. He insisted on eating his own disgusting cup noodles, but he broke the lock on the bathroom door."

"How'd he manage that?"

"Don't ask me; I don't know how that idiot manages anything."

Ganondorf looked down at Link. "I'm only going to leave you here for a short time. Please don't kill anything in the store until I come back."

"Okay," Link said, obviously not paying attention. He was already engrossed in Junior's book.

Five minutes later Ganondorf was in the grocery store, eyeing clusters of tomatoes. He had tried to grow tomato plants in his small yard, but Link had picked them all while they were still green. When Ganondorf caught him, the boy had been crushing them between his hands and mashing the paste into his hair, saying that he wanted to dye his hair red like his Dad's. Ganondorf had hugged him and tickled him until he shrieked with laughter. That night he fried the remaining tomatoes, and Link gobbled them like candy.

Someone tapped him on the shoulder.

"Ganondorf?"

He turned to see his college friend Marth, who was standing beside his boyfriend, Roy.

"Hey buddy!" Roy said, grinning. "We heard you were back in town. Did you really bring a kid home with you?"

"Honestly Roy, that is absolutely tactless," Marth chastised him.

"No, it's fine," Ganondorf sighed. "I moved back about a month ago, and I do have a kid. He's a walking disaster. I left him at Bowser's while I'm in the store."

"Speaking of which," Roy jumped in, "have you confessed your love yet?"

"Roy!" Marth interjected.

"Come on, Marth, you said it yourself that this guy had to leave the country to get his feelings straight."

Marth blushed as red as Roy's hair. "I said no such thing."

"Right," Ganondorf interrupted them. "I appreciate your searing insight into my personal life. You two are the worst type of couple."

"Of course we are," Roy said. "You should give it a try sometime."

"We'll call you, okay?" Marth said, steering Roy away.

Ganondorf pretended to examine the tomatoes until they were out of sight. What Roy had said to him wasn't wrong, but he hated admitting it to anyone, especially himself.


	5. Ganondorf & Training Wheels

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The city sanitation workers must be on strike this week, because the garbage keeps piling up.

"I'm sorry, sir, your credit card has been declined."

"That can't be possible." 

"Do you have another card I could try?"

"Of course I don't. There shouldn't be anything wrong with this one."

"I can wait while you call your bank."

"Or you could run the card again."

Ganondorf's eyes glittered, and his voice was very soft. 

Bowser put a hand on his shoulder. "Hold on there, boss, let's not get carried away. Just check your account online."

Ganondorf scowled, pulled out his phone, and began tapping at the screen. He and Bowser had taken Link and Junior to the bike store in the shopping arcade, Shooting Star. One of the part-time workers, an androgynous pink-haired fluffball, was ringing them up while the owner assembled Link's new bike in the back. 

"According to this infernal website," Ganondorf said through clenched teeth, "the account is maxed out."

"Oh yeah," Link said, "we ran out of money yesterday." 

Ganondorf glared at him. "Would you like to explain?"

Link's eyes widened. "Did I do something wrong?"

Junior squirmed on Bowser's lap. "It was just a game."

"What was just a game?"

"We were playing The Sims on your iPad."

"You were playing what?"

"We were building houses for our guys, and then picking out their clothes – "

"And then making them fight each other!" Link added, suddenly cheerful again. 

"I don't understand," Ganondorf said slowly. "In order to spend money, you'd need my passkey."

"I got it from Ghirahim," Link explained.

"And where did Ghirahim get it?" Ganondorf shot a scathing look at Bowser. 

"I, uh..." Bowser rubbed the back of his neck. 

"Okay boys, you're good to fly," Rosalina said as she wheeled out two bikes from the back.

Link and Junior jumped up and ran over to her. She looked over their heads to her assistant. "Kirby, is there some sort of problem? You're bright pink."

"The problem is that I'm surrounded by idiots," Ganondorf muttered. 

Bowser explained the situation, and Rosalina laughed. "That happens all the time. Just call your card company and dispute the charges. In the meantime, make your kids go outside every once in a while. Take the bike for now. You can come by and pay me later, okay?" 

Ganondorf and Bowser thanked her as Link and Junior walked their new bikes out of the store. When they were a few storefronts down, Ganondorf turned on Bowser. "Would you like to tell me why you gave that idiot my passkey?" 

"I didn't," Bowser objected. "I wanted to show him a picture on your iPad, and he must have seen it when I unlocked the front screen. I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid." 

Ganondorf exhaled and rubbed his beard. "Fine," he said. "Here's what we're going to do. I'm going to go home and fix this while you teach the boys how to ride on their training wheels, but first you're going to treat us all to pizza at Mushroom Kingdom."

"What, no."

"I think you owe it to us."

"Come on, you know I hate those guys." 

"I said pizza."

"But they're such smarmy hipsters. They're all about being 'organic' and 'artisanal,' and they have gluten-free pizza. What the hell is gluten-free pizza? They wear overalls ironically, _ironically_ , and their obsession with mustaches is bizarre, and they play chiptune music in the restaurant – "

"And you're not going to cause a scene. Unless you want me to get angry." 

"You're a real tyrant sometimes, did anyone ever tell you that?"

Ganondorf watched Link and Junior clash their bikes together like go karts. They had both removed their helmets and hung them from their bicycle seats, where they bumped against the back wheels. 

"Do you think the kids will be okay?" he asked Bowser. 

"I think we might be spending some time in a hospital waiting room in the near future, but yeah, they'll be fine."

Ganondorf smirked. "Let's hope they have hard heads, just like their dads."


	6. Ganondorf & Babysitting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m getting really into this ship. I feel like I should stop apologizing, but this is by far the weirdest thing I’ve ever unleashed on the internet. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

"Some people say that the key to unlocking power is wealth, while others say that power can be achieved through charisma and sheer force of will." 

Junior took a wooden block out of Ganondorf's hand and fit it into the structure he was building. Although he was focused on his project, he listened intently. 

"While both of these things are true, they do not strike at the core of the matter. In order to exercise power, you must hold the heart of another person in your hands by possessing something he needs or wants dearly. Of all the things a living creature could require, Junior, what is the most basic?"

Ganondorf offered another block, and Junior took it. "I don't know," he said. 

"It's a difficult question, and you are wise not to pretend to know the answer."

Ganondorf held out a handful of smaller blocks for Junior. Link, who had drawn a series of rails on a grid made of construction paper and was enacting a frenzied chase with two toy steam engines, wasn't paying them any attention. 

"If you wish to own a person, the surest strategy is to control the very land on which he lives. From the land come food and water, both literally and in a more abstract sense. Land is the basis of power. The ancient Hylians knew this, and they used it to their advantage, having realized that the strongest castles are built on the most stable ground."

Junior nodded, and Ganondorf handed him another block.

"But understand this, Junior," he continued. "Underneath every castle lies a dungeon just as deep as the walls are high, for land cannot be claimed if it is not taken by force."

"Wow. Mr. Dragmire, that's really morbid."

Peach kicked off her sandals as she entered the living room through the sliding door facing the veranda. She was holding an iridescent pink laptop. 

"Yeah, that sounds really unhealthy," Zelda said, stepping in after Peach and pulling off her ballet flats. "You might want to get it checked out the next time you go to the doctor," she added, plunking down a six-pack of beer onto the low table that had been pulled to the side of the sofa in order to make room for Junior's castle. 

"What are you two doing here?"

"Samus is playing some sort of shooting game," Zelda answered. "She's making our internet really slow." 

"We want to watch Youtube," Peach explained as she plugged a USB antenna into the side of the television. "Is there anything you boys want to see?"

"Horses!" Link shouted.

Junior clapped his hands. "And dragons!"

"Mmmm, I think we can probably do both," Zelda said, placing Peach's laptop on the table.

Peach sat on the floor next to Junior's castle and pulled two juice boxes from the pocket of her hoodie. Junior took one and sat beside her. Link, in his rush to get the other, tripped over Junior's castle. Zelda caught him and scooped him into her lap as she sat next to Peach. 

"Where's the other old man?" Peach asked, holding a beer up to Ganondorf. 

"He's at a Neighborhood Business Association meeting," he said, popping the ring of the can. "I'm watching Junior until he gets back."

"I think I found something." Zelda grinned, her face illuminated by the glow of the laptop screen. "It's called My Little Pony?" 

A few hours later, Bowser walked into the living room. Peach and Zelda were sitting on the floor on either side of Ganondorf, who held a mostly empty bowl of popcorn in his lap. The floor was littered with beer cans. The three of them were transfixed by the television. Link and Junior were asleep on the couch. 

"What are you watching?" he asked. They didn't answer him. "Is that a kid's show?"

"Bowser, you have to see this. It's fascinating," Ganondorf murmured. 

"Okay," Bowser said, switching on the lights. He walked over to the laptop and closed the screen. "It's time for all the children in this room to go to bed." 

He nudged Peach and Zelda until they stood up and then lifted Junior and Link, holding one under each arm as he carried them upstairs. When he came back down, he saw that the girls had cleaned the room and gone back home across the alleyway. Ganondorf was dozing off on the couch. 

"Honestly," Bowser said, standing over him. "You are one garbage babysitter."

Ganondorf grunted but didn't open his eyes.

"Do I need to carry you upstairs too?"

Ganondorf smiled. "Yes."


	7. Ganondorf & Facebook

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why am I still writing this? Why am I still posting this? Why does anyone write anything? Why does the internet even exist? The universe is random and absurd.

"You must be joking."

"It needs to be a positive review."

"I'm not going to do it."

"Make it sound intelligent. Mention intertextuality, I don't know."

"He is a fool, and you are a greater fool for paying heed to his empty pablum."

"Come on, son. Show me your moves!"

Ganondorf paced back and forth across the living room with long strides. 

"I will only submit to this humiliation on the condition that you look at the Gerudo manuscripts."

"Don't be difficult. You know there's no market for that."

"I would not trust any market that can accommodate more of Daphnes's incessant bilge."

"I just got a commission request from the embassy. Do you want it or not? Wouldn't it be nice to take that kid of yours on a vacation?" 

Ganondorf sighed. "The gods are laughing at me."

"Great! I'll call to check in again tomorrow morning."

The line went dead, and Ganondorf scowled at the dark screen. He felt his anger rising, and the phone casing cracked as he crushed it in his fist. 

"Hey, I overheard your conversation," Zelda said, tapping on the glass of the open sliding door. She was standing outside on the veranda, a red messenger bag hanging from one shoulder. "You were speaking kind of loudly."

"Zelda, this isn't a good time." Ganondorf forced himself to relax his grip on the phone.

"We read some of your stuff in one of my poli-sci classes, and the professor said that your work has made room for people like Daphnes to publish popular translations. If his book does well, the field might widen enough for people to start becoming interested in Ancient Gerudo."

"Your projection is well-intentioned but naïve," Ganondorf scowled at her. "That man almost ruined my career years ago, and he would rather salt the earth than admit success to a rival. In his mind, there can only be one king, and that king must be him alone." 

"Really?" Zelda shifted her bag on her shoulder, obviously uncomfortable. "I think you might be taking this too seriously. Besides, if he's such a jerk, then he's probably lonely. I bet he doesn't have any friends, even on Facebook."

Ganondorf started. "You think he's on Facebook?" 

Zelda rolled her eyes. "Tell Link to come over after his game. We've got ice cream." 

An hour later, Ganondorf was standing in the kitchen and staring out the back window intently when the front door crashed open. 

"SOMETHING SMELLS LIKE CURRY," Bowser shouted. Link and Junior ran past him, cheering. 

Ganondorf spooned out rice and curry onto the plates on the kitchen table. "You're back early."

"Yeah, well." Bowser set down four bottles of Ramune as Link and Junior hopped in their seats with impatience. "They came out with a new flavor. What does Hyoi Pear taste like?" 

"Where did Link get that bruise on his arm?"

"That's where the coach grabbed him after the kid tried to attack him with a bat."

"He did what?" Ganondorf glared at Link, who was shoveling curry into his mouth. 

"The coach was being a bully. You got any hot sauce?" 

"Does that have anything to do with the band-aid Junior has on his cheek?" 

"Aw, that's just a scratch from where the coach knocked him down after Junior bit him."

"And you're rewarding them with Ramune for this behavior?" 

"I might have also taken a shot at the guy."

"You got him right in the face!" Junior beamed up at him. 

"Would this coach happen to be one of the brothers who works at the Mushroom Kingdom?"

Link tugged at Ganondorf's shirtsleeve. "Dad, can we go play next door?" His face was smeared with curry. 

Ganondorf wiped him off and tousled his hair. "Sure thing, kid. They say they've got ice cream." 

After the boys had run off, Ganondorf met Bowser's eyes. "I hope you beat the shit out of that coach."

Bowser frowned. "Are you okay?"

"I looked up someone I used to know on Facebook. He's got hundreds of friends, which is hundreds more than he deserves."

"You want to go over to his house and burn it down?"

"That's not necessary."

"My family knows people. You want me to send a goon over to rough him up?"

"I'm tempted, but no."

"Listen," Bowser said, cocking a claw in Ganondorf's direction. "I don't know what this guy did, but the best revenge is living well. Every time he knocks you down, just get back up again and keep doing what you do best."

"That's awfully trite."

"Yeah, but it's true. And if it doesn't work, you can always sic Link on him. That boy is shaping up to be a high-octane killing machine."

Ganondorf smiled fondly. "Link is all right."


	8. Ganondorf & Swimsuits

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just tell him you love him bro, just do it. Yes you can! Ghirahim finally makes an appearance, bless his dark little heart.

"It's so hot."

"It's soooo hot..."

Samus looked up from her textbook. "It's not even the end of May yet."

"I don't care," Peach said. "It's too hot."

"It's way too hot," Zelda agreed. "Too hot..."

Ganondorf, who was sitting cross-legged at the low table surrounded by dictionaries, stopped writing in the notebook in front of him. "Remind me why you girls are here again?"

"Our air conditioner is broken."

"It's too hot to live."

"Can't we just turn on the A/C?"

"No," said Link, who was sitting next to Ganondorf and scribbling a drawing with crayons. Half of the lines were on a sheet of paper, and the other half spilled out onto the surface of the table. "Global warming is bad."

"That's right, Zelda," said Ghirahim, who had spread himself out across the sofa, forcing the girls to lie on the floor. "Do you want to be an enemy of the planet?"

"Shut up, freak," Zelda kicked at him desultorily. "You came over for the A/C too."

"Shut up, freak," Link mumbled. Ganondorf patted his head.

Peach's phone buzzed. She groaned as she rolled over to check it.

"Hey," she said, sitting up. "It's Rosalina. She wants to know if we want to go to the beach."

"I want to go to the beach," Ghirahim drawled. Everyone ignored him.

"That would be nice," Samus spoke up, rubbing her chin with her pencil. "But how are we going to get there?"

Ganondorf's phone rang. Link passed it to him from across the table.

"Hello? Bowser?"

"GANONDUDE! I'M COMING BY WITH THE CAR. GET YOUR SWIMSUIT ON, WE'RE GOING TO THE BEACH!"

Twenty minutes later, they were all standing on the small street in front of Ganondorf's house when Bowser pulled up with Junior and Rosalina.

"Oh sweet Hylia," Zelda said. She and Peach immediately pulled out their phones and began taking pictures of the enormous purple convertible as Ghirahim pointed and cackled maniacally. Samus waved at Rosalina, who shot her a peace sign.

Ganondorf raised his hand. "Shotgun," he said, a resigned expression on his face.

Link, sitting on his shoulders, mimicked him, waving his hand above his head. "Shotgun!"

It took almost two hours to get to the shore by car. Ganondorf left Bowser to argue with a parking attendant as he led everyone to a seaside convenience store to buy bottled water and boxed lunches. It took another two hours for Link and Junior to exhaust themselves and fall asleep on a towel in the shade of an umbrella. Ganondorf sat with them. He vastly preferred the sand to the water.

Eventually Samus, who had gone off to buy watermelons, joined him. She put two huge fruit next to Link and Junior and sat down in the shade. She pulled out a battered sci-fi paperback from her bag and started reading.

Ganondorf gazed at the ocean, where Bowser was enjoying some sort of game with the girls. They seemed to be playing a version of volleyball that involved keeping the inflatable ball away from Ghirahim. Between Bowser's tattoos and Ghirahim's cursing, everyone else in the water gave them a wide berth.

"I can see you watching him," Samus said. "It's making me uncomfortable."

Ganondorf grimaced. "What would you rather I look at," he said flatly.

Samus sighed. "No, I mean, it makes me uncomfortable because it's awkward. He's obviously showing off for you right now. He's been showing off all day. He's waiting for you to say something to him."

"Why would he bring Rosalina?"

"Because she owns the garage where he keeps that ridiculous car. Are you jealous?"

Ganondorf didn't say anything. Samus smirked.

"We're probably going to be spending the night at one of the inns up the coast. You can make your move then," she continued, twirling her ponytail around her finger.

"We're not spending the night here."

"Dad?" Link said, pulling at his swim trunks. "Can we get fireworks at the hotel?"

Junior sat up and yawned. "Yeah, can we get fireworks?"

Suddenly Ghirahim was squatting in front of him. "Yeah Dad, can we get fireworks?"

Zelda sat beside Ghirahim and picked up a towel. "We're staying the night?"

"Cool," Peach said, plopping down next to her. "Rosalina knows a great place."

Rosalina knelt beside Samus. "I do know a great place. I'll go ahead and call to let them know we're coming."

"How did this get decided," Ganondorf muttered.

Bowser laughed beside him. "Leave the fireworks to me." He reached forward and speared a watermelon with his claws, his arm brushing against Ganondorf. "Now who wants to see how quickly we can smash these beauties open?"


	9. Ganondorf & Bowser

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cinch up your wading boots and tighten the straps on your gas masks, we're almost at the end of this sewer. Be strong, my friends. Be brave.

Thunder rolled through the sky, and Ganondorf woke with a start. He was lying on a futon in the upstairs bedroom. The last thing he remembered was putting Link to bed for an afternoon nap. The air was heavy, and the light in the room was strangely dim. 

"Good, you're awake. I was wondering if I should get you up," Bowser said. He was sitting cross-legged on the floor next to the futon.

Ganondorf sat up and rubbed his face. "What are you doing here?"

"I thought I should tell you that I sent Link and Junior over to the girls next door."

"Why did you 'send' them there?"

"They scribbled some sort of obstacle course with chalk all along the downstairs hallway. Somebody had to clean up the mess."

"Why weren't you watching them?"

"I had to take in the laundry off the balcony. It's gonna rain, yeah?" 

"You folded my laundry?" 

Bowser laughed. "Right next to your head. You were snoring like some sort of hellbeast." 

"What gave you the impression you should do that?"

"Half of it's Junior's."

Ganondorf sighed. "Why are you so comfortable here? We didn't part on the best of terms."

"Aw, that was years ago. Things've changed."

"What makes you think you can trust me?"

"You're a big guy, Gan, but I think I can take you if you try anything."

"Can you?"

Thunder boomed outside, and Ganondorf shot his arm up to Bowser's head, pulling his face down until it was inches away from his own.

Bowser grinned. "I think I can take this."

Ganondorf kissed him. It was not gentle. 

Bowser pressed against him, forcing him down, but Ganondorf wrestled him onto his back and leaned over him. He kissed him again, violently and at length. Bowser hooked his claws into Ganondorf's hair, drawing him closer. 

A white strobe of lighting lit the room, and a peal of thunder crashed outside. Bowser jerked up. 

Ganondorf's eyes glittered. "Are you scared of the storm?" 

Bowser exhaled. "I thought the boys had come home."

Ganondorf pressed his forehead against Bowser's and then sat up. Bowser propped himself on his elbows. Lightning flashed again as they regarded each other. 

"Is this what you wanted?" Ganondorf asked. 

"It's what I've been waiting for," Bowser answered. 

"Is this how you thought it would be?" Ganondorf gestured around the room, which was littered with toys and books. A pile of laundry slouched in a corner. 

"You know, guys like us," Bowser began. He paused, and then cleared his throat. "I'm not good at stuff like this." 

Ganondorf reached down and stroked Bowser's beard. "Tell me more about guys like us."

Bowser looked away. "I'm just saying, they don't write love stories about guys like us. We're not young, and we were never pretty. We already made lots of mistakes, and we didn't win at life. We're the bad ending. If we get together, it's not gonna be romantic." 

"Bowser," Ganondorf said, turning Bowser's chin in the palm of his hand so that their eyes met. "We're not dead yet. Our histories have not concluded, and there are more victories than the ones that end battles." 

Bowser smiled. "I don't get it, but I like it when you talk like that. Come here," he said, pulling Ganondorf down over him. 

The clouds broke, and rain began to pour down outside. The room was bathed in a dark twilight. 

"I don't reckon Junior and Link are getting home anytime soon," Bowser said, wrapping his hand around Ganondorf's waist. 

Ganondorf put his hand over Bowser's and guided it lower. "Then I've got you all to myself," he growled.


	10. Ganondorf & Happy Endings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My computer tells me that the recycle bin is full and the hard drive doesn't have space for any more garbage, but there will always be room for this bizarre crack ship in my heart. Thanks for reading!

"Dad, can we get a pokémon?"

"Maybe when you're older." 

"What's the harm, grandpa?" Bowser nudged Ganodorf in the ribs. "I had one when I was his age."

"What kind?" Zelda asked. She was sitting at the living room table and sweeping up the crumbs of the cake Peach had brought over. 

"A Charizard. He was unstoppable!"

"I had a Bisharp," Samus interjected. 

"I had a Flygon," Peach said. 

They all looked at Zelda expectantly. 

"I had a Gengar," she finally said.

"A cute princess like you?" Bowser raised an eyebrow. 

Zelda crossed her arms over her chest. "I was actually a really serious trainer."

Peach snorted laughter. "Girl, don't front. Serious trainers don't hide behind status effects." 

"Oh yeah? You want to go settle this at the gym?"

"You're on, sister." 

Samus clapped her hands together. "The loser pays for drinks!" 

Ganondorf and Bowser watched as the girls jumped down off the veranda and disappeared into the alley between their houses. Link had picked up his foam sword and was waving it at Junior, who batted it away while pretending to roar like a dragon. 

"Didn't you have a pet as a kid?" Bowser asked. 

"I've got one now," Ganondorf smirked, rubbing the back of Bowser's mohawk. 

Bowser scowled. "Hey Link!" he called out. "Your dad just asked me what sort of pokémon you want!"

"I want a Pikachu!" Link yelled, launching himself at Ganondorf, who caught him before his feet could land on his stomach.

Junior walked over and climbed into Bowser's lap. "Can I get a pokémon too?" 

"I don't see why not. Which one would you like?"

Junior considered the question. "A Bulbasaur, maybe." 

Bowser hugged him and tickled under his arms. "Fine choice!"

Junior shrieked and jumped up. "I'm going on a pokémon quest!" he announced. Link ran after him, shouting, "I'm gonna be a hero!" 

Ganondorf gritted his teeth. "What have you done."

"Calm down. Now you've got something to promise them if they're good." 

"Do you think those two terrors will ever be responsible enough to go on their own jouney?" 

"It doesn't matter. Responsible or not, kids need adventures." 

Ganondorf leaned over and touched his lips to the line where Bowser's beard met the skin of his throat. "Adults need adventures too." 

"You wanna go somewhere?"

"In a manner of speaking."

Bowser turned his head and brought his mouth down against Ganondorf's. 

"Can we go get our pokémon tomorrow?" 

Link and Junior were standing in the doorway. They wore knotted bath towels around their necks and had drawn war paint on their faces with magic marker. 

Ganondorf waved his hand at them. "Fine," he grunted. "Go ride your bikes." They cheered and ran outside, slamming the front door behind them. 

Bowser laughed under his breath. "Now you've done it. You're in for a world of trouble." 

Ganondorf smiled and placed his hand on Bowser's belt buckle. "I know all about trouble."

Bowser slid a claw down Ganondorf's chest, slicing his shirt open. "Those kids aren't going to stay small and cute forever. Do you think you know enough about trouble to keep them in line?" 

"Are you volunteering to stick around and help?"

Bowser lowered his hand. "I can help with all sorts of things." 

Ganondorf covered Bowser's hand with his own and forced it over his head as he pressed his knee between Bowser's thighs. With his other hand he began unbuttoning Bowser's shirt. "Then join me. Live here with me." 

Bowser looked up at him, challenging him with his eyes. "That sounds too easy. Aren't we the bad guys?" 

"Together we will outlive more heroes than you can imagine," Ganondorf said, and kissed him.


End file.
